1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

• 1 cup sifted flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 cup milk
• 3 tablespoons butter, melted

• it has been 16 days since i last had coffee.  14 days without mint.  i still have a little bit of chocolate each day, becuase i got the news it was bad for me over pms and period weeks, but i have cut back a lot.....especially considering all the holiday goodies i was tempted with.  i can tell that it does make a huge difference.  i lost about 5 pounds the first week, just from my body readjusting, but i think i am gaining it back now that i've reached a new equilibrium.  too bad.  but my stomach doesn't hurt nearly so much, and i sleep better and have a little bit more energy now that my body isn't fighting against itself constantly.  but damn, i miss coffee

• i started drinking steamed milk from starbucks with cinnamon dolce syrup to make myself feel like i was still treating myself and getting coffee.  i think i am horribly addicted to that now.  i went so far as to buy a bottle of the syrup so i can make them at home.  but i promise...only one a day.  and i won't try to sneak coffee into it.

• tasha seems to have stabilized a bit for now, which eases my mind about how to deal with her situation.  her weight seems to be holding and she hasn't leaked in a week and she's got a ton of energy.

• for our family's secret santa, my youngest brother's girlfriend picked me, and she made me these amazing homemade crackers that neil and i have thoroughly enjoyed, and she gave me what are my new favorite socks.  i have a thing for socks.  she got me these lovely argyle ones that have a double thickness on the bottom, so it's like wearing slippers all day.  love them!  she also was a dear and replaced my silicone spatula that i broke with two (count 'em, 2) PROFESSIONAL silicone spatulas.  perfect for my soup making and batter scraping.  i was very spoiled.

• gramma is still in my dreams, but not so often.  it was almost every other night for a while, but now it's once a week at the most.  she was trying to pass some family things onto me in my last dream, but i couldn't seem to hold onto them.  it probably has to do with the fact that my uncle took so much of her stuff from us, and threw out most of her story.  my parents wrote a certified letter to him this week to tell him they know he sold the house and pocketed the money, despite his claims that he didn't want any of it.  my parents aren't out for money necessarily, just recognition for all the years the spent taking care of gramma....doing her errands, keeping her healthy, visiting her several times a week, cooking and cleaning and maintaining her home in all seasons.  and then this rude guy who ran away from his family years ago comes sweeping in and setting things up so he can benefit from it all.  it still makes my mom cry weekly to see how her family really is.  and gets my panties in a knot just as regularly.

• neil's birthday was last thursday.  he hates celebrating his birthday, but i hate letting it go without acknowledging it.  so as a compromise, i made him stuffing with dinner, because it's one of his favorite foods that we don't eat all that often, and i got him a couple silly things that could inform/entertain him on his upcoming business trip.  he came home thursday to tell me he wasn't going on the trip after all.  so that plan kinda backfired, but oh well.  there are a lot of things i would like to do for him, but he's got expensive techy taste that we can't accommodate right now.  and the things he really needs, like an eye appointment and new glasses and a dentist appointment are things that he needs to do himself, though i have a feeling i'll be waiting until he's blind and toothless before he finally breaks down to admit he needs an appointment.  so frustrating.  i wish he would be proactive about his health.  we have the insurance for a reason. 
  

• i am one week into the spring semester.  i have three left after this one.  i hope i can maintain the 4.0.  i got papers back from last semester and found that all of my projects were good enough to count towards my internship credits next year, which is great news.  it'll make next year go much easier.  i have to make copies of some of them to hand back to my professors because there were notes on some that they could be used as examples for future classes.  it made me smile to know i've finally found my calling and i'm finally sticking out a plan to better my future.

• but this semester is going to be a hella lotta work.

• i cooked marinated mushrooms tonight for the first time, and then ate them.  those of you who know me know what a big deal this is.  granted, i marinated them for 4 hours, then ate them in a roll with sauteed peppers and onions, cheddar and mayonnaise, so it wasn't like eating mushrooms for mushrooms' sake.  but progress nonetheless.

• i'm staying up late on a sunday night.  but i'm not a rebel.  tomorrow's a holiday.  i'm too much of an old married woman to be a rebel anymore.